Happy as punch.

I guess my personality is somewhat capricious, I guess that's negative. It makes me do things I regret 5 seconds after I've done them. The absolute term is missing, the thread and the 'definitive' that assures my future. I feel like plasticine, I feel like very untalented kids try to form something identifiable out of me, unsuccessfully. In every guidebook it says: "A girl usually completed its self finding process at the age of 17/18", but hey, what about me? I am 19, it is my personal right to be done with 'finding myself', yet, the only thing I found out for sure is the undeniable fact that I was mentally much more stronger with 14. Does it mean I completed my processes too early and now I am stunted at it? Am I regressing? I truly failed to remember making Plan B to G when I was fantasising about my life a few years ago. Fantasising at all was wrong. Whatever, I am tired, I didn't sleep and I'm sick of pretending. Sometimes others say it better:

R.E.M. - Walk Unafraid

As the sun comes up, as the moon goes down
These heavy notions creep around
It makes me think, long ago
I was brought into this life a little lamb
A little lamb
Courageous, stumbling
Fearless was my middle name.
But somewhere there I lost my way
Everyone walks the same
Expecting me to step
The narrow path they've laid
They claim to
Walk unafraid
I'll be clumsy instead
Hold my love or leave me high.

Say "keep within the boundaries if you want to play."
Say "contradiction only makes it harder."
How can I be what I want to be?
When all I want to do is strip away
These stilled constraints
And crush this charade
Shred this sad masquerade
I don't need no persuading
I'll trip, fall, pick myself up and
Walk unafraid
I'll be clumsy instead
Hold my love or leave me high.

If I have a bag of rocks to carry as I go
I just want to hold my head up high
I don't care what I have to step over
I'm prepared to look you in the eye
Look me in the eye
And if you see familiarity
Then celebrate the contradiction
Help me when I fall to
Walk unafraid
I'll be clumsy instead
Hold my love or leave me high.
Walk unafraid
I'll be clumsy instead
Hold my love or leave me high.

I miss my old entries. I can't believe I deleted all of my old entries from 2002 to now. I thought it was cool, but in the end it was just another act I regretted 5 seconds after I've done it.

Mariam

06:51 + 20.10.05

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