User Manual

It's hard for me to say these things but here we go. I feel lost. I know I behave strange at some points, I know I am surprisingly distanced most of the time but all I want is to be close to someone. I have dreams, even though I said the opposite so many times. I am not a cold person inside, just deeply disappointed. I could make a list, naming all the people, situations, all the parts in my life that hurt me so much but I did all that before and it didn't help. I try to forgive, but I don't forget and what's in my head is still there, so I can't forgive, I just donít know how. So when you ask me why look so stressed again and I answer something trivial to not reveal the real reason, then I only try to not look or seem sad.
When I think that I am useless, when I feel superficial or worthless then I'm probably one of the deepest persons around, or when I think I just babble along then I'm maybe saying really meaningful things but I need someone to tell me that, I will never realise it myself. Most of the time I'm simply to insecure to say anything related to me at all, I don't want you to laugh behind my back, I don't even want you to sarcastically talk about me. On the other side I'm feeling so selfish for even thinking I could be a topic for others. It embarrasses me so much that I shut up about me, as it seems to be the safest way I can go, regardless of my feelings.

I know how furious I can get, all my spontaneous little outbursts that I only come up with to show the world how much of an insult this situation is right now, even though its nothing special, I know how harsh I can get when I feel like someone special in the wrong way and I know how unbearable I become when I go on and on about me, myself and I. I don't know when to stop, so tell me, I will be angry at you but only because I know you're right. I'm only beginning to see more than just black & white, I am trying hard to be an understanding person and not so much of an emotional klutz. I am trying to change the fact that I am unhappy when others are happy and vice versa, I am working on me. I am literally "under construction". It is just a very slow process; everything in my life is a slow process.
I only ever wanted you to understand, I wanted you to care, to feel for me. I still want it. I offered to listen to you so why aren't you listening to me? Hidden under all of my illusive demands is just the simple wish to be heard, and with all of my childish behaviours, my bitching, pouting and yelling I am basically just screaming for attention. You, me and the Superanny know it's the wrong way, but it also didn't work the other ways - so tell me what I should do.
It isn't hard to see that I lost my path somewhere between 'back then' and 'now' and all I'm trying right now is to get back on it, I would be thankful if you'd try to be with me for a while, I'd love to feel relief.

But most of all I want you to accept me, I hate just being tolerated. Don't make me want to justify myself, don't be so detracting towards me. Please.

Mariam

02:39 + 27.10.05

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