AvoidanceI found out I never really write about what I actually did, no daily life stories, nothing. I write about my feelings and what I'm supposed to do to solve problems but I never write why I actually am like I am. Maybe this is my way to cope with how I really am and maybe this is the reason why I deleted all my old entries, I don't know. I proudly managed it to feel nothing over the past months and found that rather alarming, I thought I became somewhat superficial, careless in a negative way or whatever, and in someway I did, but basically I just stopped thinking about me. I still have something like a barrier in me that keeps me from thinking to deep, I have no Idea how to get past it. I want to write it down and I want to write it down and I want to write it down, everything. I want to write down why life sucks, why everything sucks why nothing gets better and why I still keep going but I give up. So instead I will write about what I did today, or the last week, as an excuse to myself for not telling me what my problem is.Alright, last Saturday I went to a birthday party of a friend or more colleague of me. No wait. It was the party of her now 3 yrs old daughter and that's why it started at 3 pm. I gave her something as a gift I found in my flat, actually something cute, two little guardian angle puppet cotton dolls, no trash, cute, and she liked it. We ate cake and afterwards soup and started drinking beer at 6 pm. Except that little girl of course. For a moment I wondered if this is the right moment to get drunk for the first time in my life but soon after that thought I got my common sense back. It was like going to work, every temporary employee I work with was there and every one of them got drunk one by one. Smart people left at 8 pm but me living 5 minutes (by car) away had no excuse to go and wound up there. The one inviting me kept on flirting with a co worker who is even more ugly then she is (She's in the middle of a divorce), her sister fought with the little girl to go to bed, another co-worker was busy with getting even more drunk, he's horrible when he is sober and he's obnoxiously disgusting when he is drunk and I sat on the couch texting all my friends how boring this is and how much I am actually suffering. Two answered. Thank You. The next day I worked, made coffees and cappuccinos, sold croissants and sweets and kept ignoring all the co-temp-workers I had to join one room with the day before. On Monday I bought a new lamp for my ceiling since the old one was broke, it's a beautiful, colourful and bright small chandelier with 5 light bulbs and it brightens my room with all of its pearls and prisms. It really makes me happy. On Tuesday I did nothing, On Wednesday I worked. Today I did nothing even though I was supposed to do something. Since two weeks I'm sleeping on the living room couch because my 'bed' is broke, pressure sores and other stuff happened to it in only 3 weeks. It was a mispurchase. Next Monday my Mother and me are going to IKEA to get me a new one. Lots of uninteresting stuff I wrote there but I successfully did not write about me. Yeah. Mariam |
04:50 + 17.02.06
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