Honestly honesty

I am honest and outspoken, I will tell you what I think and most of the time I don't care if you want to hear it. Or, I do care actually, but once I opened my mouth it won't shut again. It's like an escape attempt right through the middle of everything that could make you think I'm just someone talking too much. I really don't want to compensate my ruffled ego with never ending tirades about things I don't like (and I don't like a lot), but it's turning that way. I can see myself in the future, pointing my walking stick at people who annoy me for some reason or sitting at the window for ages to call the police immediately after someone parked on the wrong side, I really don't want to end like that but transitions to become like this are blurry and afterwards it's too late to change. Anyway, it is easier to be honest to other people than to - or about - yourself. Myself. With all my tries being so unique and so 'not like the others' I evolved into someone so typical: an ironic, arrogant but oh so lonely stereotype of person. It is so hurtful to realise that since all of this is what I've been identifying myself with.
Being honest to me is probably the first step to change for the better but at present I'm just standing in front of a huge pile of shards, signalising it won't go on this way and you also can't go back. But this is what I usually do, go on like before or go back into my cocoon of self-protection. I feel so helpless and I find it really hard to take that as a chance because it is so much work, and I am so unmotivated even though I shouldn't. I should roll up my sleeves and clean up that mess, I should, I should, I should, fuck.
I am listening to a song in what he sings "I wish I could say that everyone was wrong" and I do, I also wish that I could start from zero again but it simply isn't possible. I guess it's what I just realised. I want to run but I don't have the endurance, I want to scream but I fear someone could hear me, I want to be happy but I am the one that keeps me from it. I always complained or wondered why everyone lost their patience with me, I never thought it could me be, that I could be the reason, I simply did not know it was me, only me. I was too narrow-minded to find that out and now I have to get myself out of this with what's left of me and my energy.


03:04 + 21.09.05

<<<old + new>>>