The same old rubbish

I didn't sleep again. I really wouldn't care but it feels like the old times, the bad old times. Those times when I had this self destroying way, when I was living a teenage angst pattern. I already felt some of this was coming back a few weeks before summer holidays started; I felt it would be quite serious but I expected it to end as soon as it came. One week and my holidays are over and yet nothing much has changed, so what am I supposed to do? I know I can't fall back into all of this and I hope/guess/think/know that I will not but...

My head is a melting pot for all kinds of sentiments; it's a strange mixture of hope, relinquish, anger, calmness, fear, sadness and courage. If one feeling dares to straighten up another one knocks it down again (visualise that). If I would have to give it all a name it would be 'conventional me'.

For today I will try to concentrate on feeling number 4, calmness. However this is combinable with what I'm supposed to do. I should stop thinking the world is craving big things of me, I am at a point where no one expects anything of me anymore and I should take that as something good. I don't even have to start at zero again, so what am I so worried about. Yet, I just have to keep going, I don't even have to fight or work hard for it, I just have to go on.

Du weißt der Kuchen ist verteilt und spürst die Krümel werden knapp.


Mariam

07:39 + 05.08.05

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