A big "Whatever"

I feel quite miserable, hard to explain even though I think it's obvious. I guess everyone around me could instantly tell me what my problems are, if just someone would care. The only person that keeps calling me is someone who hasn't the ability to understand. He went through a lot in his childhood and his life wasn't easy at all, but everything he went through was so different to what my life has been like. Words and phrases, old sayings and grandpa's wisdom just doesn't help me but that's all he offers.
I wonder if it's just me or a common thing. I get to know people, get along with them just fine, and then abruptly, I can't stand them anymore. So I get calls and text's asking why on earth they don't reach me anymore, whilst I just try to let the 'friendship' die. I know I could tell them straight to the face "I donít like you" but on the other hand I am not in the position to judge others, plus I really don't want to hurt them - this might be the last trace of respect in me towards other people, or just my anxiety. I should ask myself how I actually want to be treated before I start to treat people the way I usually do.
So many excuses I have to make and so many excuses I want to get. And I know neither of this will happen.
I'm still undecided if I just want to resign to the fact that everything went wrong, that nothing is left of the dreams I had when I was 11 years old, that I am hopeless/useless, or if I want to go on. Yet, I failed at everything I started, I took all these chances for granted and now I literally have to pay the price. I have huge emotional debts which I can't pay back without help. Help again sounds so desperate that I don't even want to say this word out loud, "I don't need help, I am strong enough to make it on my own, I am way better than everyone else so how is everyone else supposed to help me?" It is actually very hard to admit that I'm probably not the 'non plus ultra' of the world but the more I realise it, the more it makes sense.
I told people I am very nice, and I demanded this as the only truth. I forgot that they eventually got to know me, and I, still telling them what of a lovely person I actually am, wasn't aware of my fatuity.
Talking the truth is astonishingly easy, it's as easy as the formations of lies I make, it's just that lying feels so much better. I'd have so many weak points if I'd reveal everything at first time, I can't be honest. I can't if I want to save my face.

Mariam

23:33 + 11.10.05

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